Starting Over - Part I

Starting over is something we all have to embrace at one point or another. Sometimes it isn't starting a new job, moving to a new city, or surviving a divorce. Sometimes it's as simple as adopting a new mindset.

My whole adult life I've suffered from Disautonomia (DIS-AUTO-NO-MIA) symptoms, only recently getting a possible diagnosis. I'm seeking out a specialist now to help teach me how to better manage it better. It has caused me to battle weight gain, look very puffy and bloated at times, every since I was in middle school.

It also causes me to have limited energy and mobility in my muscles at times. In addition, the heart condition caused by Disautonomia causes my whole body and belly to swell with fluid, and at times I can look pregnant. I once had a boss who said, "Casey, you're the only person I know who can look like you've literally gained or lost twenty pounds overnight."

I've had people throughout my life go out of their way each and every time they saw me to comment on whether or not I look chunkier or more thin.

I've heard comments like these so often for so many years I, subconsciously, felt like I should apologize to others for looking puffy or gaining weight, for not being the perfect specimen of a human each and every time I walked through the door.

In dating: How dare I be anything less than perfect? He deserves better. He deserves someone healthier, thinner.

This, my friends, is an abusive, narcissistic voice that comes to us from society and social media, even more so now than it did twenty years ago.

My symptoms have gone into a remission of sorts four times in my life that I recall. Once when I was in high school, once at 22, once when I was 28 and again when I was 32. Each time I lost 40 pounds or more and felt fantastic. But, these good times didn't last more than a few months, and the symptoms came back, along with significant weight gain.

I saw a TikTok video a few mornings ago that upset me. Christina Applegate, the actress, was reported to have felt the need to apologize to her fans for gaining 40 pounds after her M.S. diagnosis.

This time, it hit me the wrong way. I'm just done feeling guilty for being 40 lbs. overweight, for being human.

No one, I repeat, no one should ever have to apologize for gaining weight, especially if it's due to pregnancy or illness. No one should ever have to walk into a room and feel guilty that their body is tired, or that they enjoyed time snuggling with their infants and children instead of spending hours at the gym.

Society has created this culture full of narcissistic egomaniacs who have unrealistic expectations, and twisted priorities.

I'm not saying you shouldn't take care of yourself if you're an able-bodied person. I would absolutely work out more if I was able. I'm just saying if you're disabled, or have young children and caregiving responsibilities, you should never feel guilty for having an average body. Ever. Not everyone has the energy to work a full-time job, parent full-time AND hit the gym ... especially not someone with any sort of disability or a full plate at home.

I recently spent a couple of weeks in Buckhead (Atlanta) surrounded by a LOT of rich women who were stay-at-home since they married well. I sat in a nail salon one day and there were like 8 of these girls lined up in stations in front of me. They all looked so beautiful, so healthy, so carefree. They were all wearing yoga wear and blonde top-knots, and had gorgeous tans. They were full of life and energy. Their eyes sparkled and their skinned glowed. These women are the ones setting the standard on social media. I listened to their conversations, stalked them a bit on social media and asked some questions. This was their typical week day:

• Put on yoga wear.

• Drop the kids off at school.

• Go grab a green juice and coffee with the girlfriends.

• Go to yoga or pilates.

• Go get their nails/hair done or get a massage (Fake Hair $18,000/year)

• Eat a Green Goddess salad for lunch.

• Go home to check emails while laying out by the pool, post about their day on TikTok, shower and pick out a dinner outfit.

• Pick the kids up from school.

• Order dinner for the kids delivered while helping kids with homework a bit (while waiting for the nanny to arrive).

• Go out with husband to a swanky restaurant or social event and snap pics with friends.

Now, I'm not criticizing these women at all. I actually like most women like this I've met and admittedly envy the ease of their lives at times. I'm simply saying it's unrealistic to think the average working woman can look like them. Unless you are supremely healthy and/or have a man who can and will foot the bill for this kind of life, I suggest you stop feeling guilty about doing your personal best. And, certainly do NOT put up with any man telling you you're not good enough as-is.

In the photo of me below I did, and now do, just fine working a full-time job. However, when I got home from work that Friday, the swelling in my feet, legs and abdomen prevented me from exercising. Some days I can barely get off the sofa on the weekends. I remember the day this photo was taken. It was a Friday night, and after a long week of unpacking my new apartment and working my new job, my arms, hands, legs and feet would barely move due to the swelling. It was hard getting dressed to go out to eat. What was worse, most of my hair had fallen out due to hormonal changes, covid, or stress (or a combo of the three), and when it began to grow back it was "old lady, cotton candy" hair. I had to cut it all off in the hope it would rejuvenate itself a bit. I can't afford $18k extensions.

Did I feel guilty? NO! I had graduated college after 9 long years, published a book, won a writing award, volunteered for meaningful organizations, paid my bills, put food on the table, represented my current organization well, survived a sad divorce, loved my friends and family as well as I could, and had somehow raised two fantastic kids despite battling some pretty daunting (at times) symptoms.

Do I like what I see when I look at that picture? Also, NO!. I feel old, if I'm being honest. But, if I were your daughter, would you want the woman in that photo to feel guilty for being 40 lbs. overweight with short, unmanageable hair? (Of course not! None of those things are my fault or in my control). She's accomplished and survived a whole lot. You'd be proud of her.

If anyone makes you feel like you're not worthy, you should respectfully ask that they stop commenting on your weight. If they refuse, remove them from your life. Life has enough jerks without having to deal with all that.

When a person is overweight, you can feel like that's all you are, "a fat person."

If you constantly comment on someone's weight, good or bad, it sends the message that their looks are the sum total of their worth.

However, we are more than our weight. Our identity can not be rooted in what the world says is acceptable. I have been friends with and worked with curvy women my whole life, and it never held any of them back from being wonderful wives, mothers and professionals. They've reached all their goals, found love, had families and more ... despite their weight ups and downs.

If we live with intentionality, we determine the direction our lives will go.

We do NOT sit back and wait for life to tell us if we're worthy of going, or how far we can go.

We get to choose we are worthy

We get to choose our future

We choose how far we can go.

Instead of allowing our weight to tell us "I'm just a fat person."

Instead, say: "I am not a fat person. I'm an AWESOME person in 100 different ways who happens to have packed on a few pounds due to _____________."

Sometimes a shift in mindset is all we need to free ourselves from the guilt of perfectionism. I'm an amateur, I admit, at this new way of thinking. But, one day I'll be a professional at it!

I refuse to bow to the notion I must look perfect to be lovable. I am worthy of love, as are you. I will exercise when and as I can to be healthy, but it will not be motivated by the need to post cuter social media pics, or to live up to another person's unrealistic standards for me.

I may never again look like I did at 32, and that's okay. When I think of all the time and money I've spent trying to look nice, and it never got me anywhere, it fills me with regret. I'm still sick, I'm still unmarried, and I still have yet to write and sell a novel or movie screenplay. How much time could I have devoted to my health, and writing and children ... If I just hadn't been so crippled by the need to not disappoint others with my "puffiness" ???

Standards are not a bad thing. Neither are preferences.

But, when it comes to how we talk to others and ourselves, we must ...

• guard our thoughts and words carefully

• approach ourselves and others compassionately

• accept ourselves and others lovingly

• move forward intentionally

• start over forgivingly