There's this theory among ... well ... theorists ... who believe there is an alternate universe out there somewhere in the multiverse. For example, they believe there is another Casey [me] out there, living a slightly better or worst existence in an almost identical earth.
I've closed my eyes many times and wondered if Alternate-Casey would be better or worse off... Would she have a high metabolism and spend weekends on the beach? Hike mountains effortlessly? Is she able to forego Bendryl and eat gluten? Is she happily married with two boys, two girls, pastoring a flock in a place where suffering people need support? Or, did she go the devote her life to service, a la Mother Teresa? Or, maybe she fell victim to drug use or suicide? Maybe she is a career woman who traveled the world and wrote glorious books...
It's wild to think about all of the many possibilities, but we don't have to look far out into the world in front of us to see people just like us, who for one reason or another, have it better or worse than us.
Several years ago I met a woman, Lily, who shared with me a troublesome situation she found herself in. Lily, like most girls, had grown up with very specific dreams for her life. She wanted to marry well, have a family of her own and serve in her church. Her dreams were simple, but they were hers and she had no doubt they would work out.
When Lily was about thirty-five She found herself divorced and raising her kids alone. But, that wasn't what perplexed her. She said she met another woman in her church who left her in awe and asking God many why questions. We'll call the other woman Amanda. Amanda was as close to human perfection as a southern, godly, Christian woman could be. She was stunningly beautiful, well balanced, smart, loved Jesus, lived well, had a husband in ministry and adorable children. To know her was to love her. She was as kind as she was beautiful. She was down to earth and cool, not stuck up or uptight religious. Amanda was beloved by her community, sang like a song bird, and effortlessly kept a spotless home and office.
Lily and Amanda were so similar it was scary, in some ways. They both grew up with similar parents -- blue-collar, hardworking Christians. Both danced or performed in high school. Both did beauty pageants. Both were amazing decorators, and both could cook and throw one spectacle of a party. They both dressed well, and prided themselves in putting their best foot forward each day. They were both raised by proper southern mothers, the kind that didn't let you wear white after Labor Day. They both worked in the nonprofit world, and they both graduated college with marketing degrees.
But, that's where our similarities ended. Life's circumstances and health issues took away Lily's chance for a happy marriage, her singing voice, and her ability to dance. Amanda was smarter, sharper than Lily, as Lily's autoimmune issues and medications left her slow and regressing. Everything came so easily for Amanda, while Lily struggled some days with simple tasks. Amanda was healthy and thin, where Lily struggled with her weight. Amanda never needed sleep, and Lily needed 8-10 hours just to function. Amanda remembered every thing, and Lily couldn't remember anything. Amanda had perfect golden skin, and Lily had to wear body makeup and self-tanners to cover her scars from Eczema. Amanda's kids were easy, well dressed and well behaved, and Lily's were quirkily difficult.
Amanda was married to a minister who adored her and their children, praying with them daily and teaching the kids the Bible. Lily was divorced and crying each day on her drive from work because her kids were growing up without a dad in their daily lives.
Amanda's husband went through a rough year once, and he bounced back stronger than ever. Lily's ex went though a rough patch and, sadly, never came back from it.
It seemed everything always went well for Amanda, and when Lily found herself in the exact same situations, they went wrong for Lily.
Both women had all the same advantages and opportunities in life. Their differences all came down to this:
Amanda and her kids were loved by a good man, and Lily wasn't.
Amanda was everything Lily could've been if life had gone a little differently. Each day Lily got to watch Amanda and see what she would've turned out like had she not been through abuse, an unfair divorce, years of illness and financial woes ... things that had all taken a toll on her looks and her heart.
Amanda was the undamaged version of Lily, and Lily became fiercely protective of Amanda. She never wanted Amanda, or her children, to know the pain she had known, and she prayed for her daily to be spared such a fate. While Lily loved Amanda so dearly, watching her daily was also one of the most painful things she'd ever have to look at. She had to watch Amanda and see what her live could've been. Some days the depression would overwhelm Lily. Mostly, she was grieved by not being able to understand how unfair life can be sometimes.
Fast forward a decade. Lily is sitting in a meeting in a new city when a man walks into a weekly meeting she was attending. Her heart stopped cold. This man, who we'll call Dave, was the spitting image of Lily's ex husband, Sam, who had left her, the kids and the ministry to live an unwholesome life. Sam had been the love of Lily's life, and when he abandoned her, it almost killed her. Dave looked like Sam, walked like Sam, talked like Sam. He preached like him, sang like him, and even dressed like him. AND GUESS WHAT? Dave's wife's name is Lily!!! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES???
Lily found herself, AGAIN, weekly, watching what Sam would've ended up like if Sam would've made Dave's life choices. Lily, being the brilliant soul she was, added Dave & Alternate-Lily as friends on social media. Then, she even more frequently saw what her life would've looked like if Sam had chosen her, the kids and ministry. Again, Lily was forced to see what she could've been as Alternate-Lily, and there was no escaping the constant reminder.
She told me this wouldn't have been a huge problem ... if ... she could make the ache in her chest and the knot in her gut go away when she saw Dave each week at the meetings, and when she saw his happy, healthy wife pop up on social media.
While the Amanda's, the Dave's and the Alternate-Lily's of the world were getting to live the life Lily should've had, Lily had to use that time learning how to live in this new reality that she never imagined for herself or her children.
It's wasn't really jealousy she suffered from. Lily was so genuinely happy for them. She was the type of person who wouldn't have wished her fate on anyone. A part of her felt hope when she saw people like them truly thriving in life. It reminded her it was possible for her children and grandchildren. She said it was the self-pity she was constantly drawn into each week, and the voice in her head screaming WHY? WHY? WHY? that almost did her in.
You see, pain cries out:
Why did their dreams come true and not mine? Does God not like me as much? Were my mistakes so severe God had no choice but to turn His back on me and leave me with everyone else's leftovers? Or, did Satan just hate me that much? When will I get my happy ending?
I am reminded of Mary, the mother of our Savior, Jesus Christ. She, rejected, gave birth to the Savior of the World on a dirt floor in a barn, yet she was beloved and favored by God. Mary had to suffer the agony of losing her son in the most brutal way 33 years later, yet she was profoundly beloved and favored by God.
I know God loved Lily, even though she had to suffer more than most. She just wanted to understand why.
Like a mother holding a stillborn child ... for the tenth miscarriage in a row ... she couldn't help but be angry and despondent that she was having a miscarriage of dreams ... year after year, decade after decade, and there was seemingly nothing she could do to stop the downward spiral. God wasn't fixing her situation. Her kids were growing up without a father, and the paychecks were not spreading any farther. Her pain said: "Why did God fix Amanda's husband when he went through his crisis, but not fix my husband?"
Eventually, Lily's frustration led to profound pain. She began to hate the seeing of Amanda, Dave or other happy couples at meetings or at church. It was a constant reminder of what she'd lost and missed out on. And, what she hated most of all was feeling that way in the first place. She knew she shouldn't feel that way. That she should glory in her suffering and trust God to work it all for her good.
The pain of these types of situations kept Lily from attending group events and church. The other happy couples made her "want to crawl in a hole and die." Why was this the hand she was dealt? WHY? WHY? WHY? WOULD SHE EVER KNOW WHY?
Maybe your situation is different, but maybe you can relate?
Maybe God throws a handful souls like Lily's into the earth with each generation, hoping just 2% will make it as powerful, Christian couples who represent Christ to the world. Maybe it is a math equation, a game of odds. Maybe she was just one of the 98% who didn't make it. Maybe she would never know on this side of Heaven why she didn't make it into the 2% success group. The world is full of people who got dealt and unfair hand, after all.
She said one thing she knew for sure: God is just, but He is not fair. God is love, but the world is not.
Really, in the early years, I think Lily just wanted to know if God had a plan for her, or if her broken state was as good as it was going to get.
These types of wounds are brutal, and suffered by many a Christian. Being saved doesn't make us immune to suffering. And, I think Lily was right. God is just, but He is not fair. His ways confound us, and sometimes we won't know all the answers on this side of Heaven.
But, I also know God is good. He loves Lily just as much as He loved his daughter Mary as she gave birth on a dirt floor in a barn. His love doesn't always look like we expect it might. After all, I'd have a hissy fit if my daughter ever had to give birth in a barn. I'd want her in the penthouse suite of the finest hospital in the country. But, our limited version of "best" isn't always God's idea of "best."
Lily battled off and on many years with the self-pity issue. Most of the time she would get victory over it. Some days it would win. She told me on the days she did the best, and was able to handle her situation with the most grace, were the days she stayed out of the sin of comparison, guarding against self-pity, jealousy and envy.
So, today, if you're struggling with comparing yourself to others good fortunes...
If you're filled with anger and frustration towards God...
Find yourself full of self-pity, jealousy or envy ...
Pray the below prayer with me so we can walk out the unfair circumstances of life with grace, and hopefully more peace.
If you're not willing to let go of your anger and open yourself up to the answers Holy Spirit brings ... even if it's not the answer you want to hear ... then your anger and frustration will lead to physical and mental illnesses. If I remember my training correctly, just 6 minutes of real anger suppresses the body's immune system for 18 hours. Living with these negative emotions is not an option if you want to live, thrive.
God doesn't want us tormented with the Why's? He wants us to rest in His love for us. Even if you can't imagine ever feeling anything other than the deep ache in your chest that seems to eclipse everything else right now, your journey to peace starts here.
A Prayer For Peace When We Don't Understand Why:
Dear Heavenly Father, I purpose and choose to repent for the sin of comparison, self-pity, jealousy and envy.
(List each of these specifically, reading or recalling them out loud, one at a time)
I choose to repent for bitterness towards You, my Father, for not answering my prayers, or fixing my situation how I thought You should, or when I thought You should.
I choose to repent for self-bitterness, and all the ways I've beaten myself up for feeling what I have felt. There is grace and mercy for that.
I choose to repent for self-bitterness, and I choose to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made. There is grace and mercy for that.
Satan, I command every spirit of comparison, self-pity, jealousy, envy or bitterness towards myself, God or others (name each person) to leave me now. Do not return to me.
I am forgiven because God, my merciful and loving Father, has forgiven me, and I have forgiven myself.
Holy Spirit, please come heal my broken heart, and tell me Your truth about Your plans for me, these situations and people .... and how you want me to respond moving forward.
(Listen quietly... Holy Spirit may show you something and/or bring you peace. If peace doesn't come, ask a friend or two to pray with you.)
Amen.
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