Will My Relationship Make It?

What if I told you today's dating culture is ruining any chance we have of finding and keeping a healthy relationship?

I love this photo that popped up on my feed this week of Robert Downey, Jr. and his wife. I hope they don't mind me using it. I've heard her describe him as such a "weirdo," but she loves him with all his quirks. They started their relationship asking the hard questions, having the difficult adult conversations. They've lasted 18 years. So, what makes a lasting relationship? The way to learn is to examine your own mistakes, examine what mistakes others are making, and learn from those who are getting it right.

I've been out of work since June. Between job applications and interviews, I've had a lot of time this summer to listen to audiobooks, binge-watch shows and intentionally work on myself. I have sought out Christian counseling, spent time in prayer and have been reminded of where some things went wrong in my past relationships.

Watching movies and shows, I've noticed a theme of common mistakes women and men are making ... The current dating culture of America has gotten so far into the stupid, we may not be able to overcome its disfunction without being intentional about it.

What patterns of disfunction have I noticed? Glad you asked!

First of all, we tend to jump headlong into dating, situation-ships or bed with someone without knowing the person. This is insanity. The fallout from this kind of irresponsibility is potentially catastrophic. We are addicted to the giddy, butterfly feelings ... addicted to the risky behavior we have in the beginning stages of dating. We find ourselves catching feelings for a person whose life goals may or may not line up with our own. By the time we find out this person isn't going to work for us or with us, we're in love or pregnant, ending up heart broken, trapped and/or lost in a sea of disappointment.

I've found there are SIXTEEN areas we must see eye-to-eye on, or be willing to compromise one, in order for a relationship to have a chance of making it healthily and happily, long-term. Listed below.

Wouldn't it be so much smarter of us if we took the time to discuss these things with our potential partners before we get all caught up in all the feelings? Wouldn't it be better if we were friends first, and flirty later? These topics of discussion are not listed in order of importance, but I assure you, as someone who has many failed relationships and disastrous dates under her belt, they are all important. I was so naive, having grown up in a bubble of sorts, I didn't even know I needed to ask most of these questions when I was starting out in my adult life. I grew up in an evangelical culture that did not prepare me for the real world. My mom married my dad, who was wonderful, at the age of 15. So, she didn't know how to prepare me for the smorgasbord of men out there. Please, learn from my mistakes and painful education. Teach it to your kids.

I don't know about you, but at the age of 44, I don't want to date someone and them just become one more painful thing I have to survive in this life. I'd rather become a cat lady than catch feelings for someone if they are not capable of having intelligent, adult conversations about the following 16 subjects. Not all of these are deal breakers, but you definitely need to know up front which ones you're both willing to negotiate and compromise on.

1. Communication. When things go wrong in our relationship, or when one of us makes a mistake, how will we handle this in a way that makes us both better, brings us closer together, and challenges us to grow and mature as individuals? If a partner loses their temper, throws things, or threatens to ruin or divorce you every time you make a mistake, or fail to live up to their expectations, you will not make it. So, the two of you need a solid plan of how to sit down and discuss and handle problems before there is a problem. If a problem is too big for you to handle, are you both willing to go to marriage counseling to work it out? It's also important to know what your partner's deal-breakers are. It is good to know if your spouse is the type of person who will cut you off the first time you make a mistake, misunderstand each other, or if they're wiling to grow and learn with you through all of your ups and downs as a human being.

2. Parenting styles. How do you discipline? Will you compare your kids to my kids? Will you try to win the children's affection and turn them against me in arguments? Do you believe in being friends with your children, or do you need to be friends with your children because you don't have any other friends? If we have an unborn child that's disabled, would you want to abort or keep? How will you treat our children if one of them struggles with addiction, identifies as LGBTQ+, doesn't share our religious faith, etc.? If one of our children has a mental health issue, are you willing to pay for them to get psychiatric counseling?What is your idea of a reasonable bed time, wake up time and chore list? Do you believe in structures and schedules, or are you more laid back in your parenting style? Do you believe families should sit down and have dinner together each night? How often will you expect me or us to cook homemade meals for the kids/familly? What will you expect of your children regarding the foods they eat, medications they take or medical/education services they might need in the future? If we're a blended family, if one of my adult kids was in crisis and needed me, would you be willing to move with me to another city or state to be there for them? If one of our minor kids got an education opportunity in another city or state, would you be willing to move so our child could have every possible opportunity to pursue their gifts/talents/education?

3. Grand-Parenting. How involved do you want to be as a grandparent? How many hours a week are you willing to devote to your adult children and grandchildren? If one of our children or grandchildren got pregnant in high school or college, how would you handle that situation? Would you be willing to help them raise the child? Would you be willing to help babysit so they could work and finish school?

4. Gateways. How do you feel about gateway drugs, such as marijuana and alcohol? How do you feel about gateways to "dark" things such as horror movies, heavy metal music, degrading rap music or even Satanic/Occult type influences? How do you feel about "trash" television, filthy language and pornography? How do you feel about exposing your children to these things?

5. Sleep Habits. What time do you like to go to bed and get up? If I stay up later and watch TV in the living room or read, is that going to bother you? Or, do I have to go to bed when you go to bed? If you get up early and I like to sleep late, is that going to be a problem? DO YOU HAVE SLEEP APNEA? Do you sleep walk? This is important. If you have a spouse that dies in their sleep 96 times each night, and you are too deprived of sleep to be a functioning, present parent and employee the next day, you cannot sustain a lasting relationship with this person unless y'all agree on sleep apnea treatments (CPAP machine, InspireSleep.com, etc), or alternative sleeping situations, such as sleeping in different bedrooms. I, for one, cannot survive without 7-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep each night. If I don't get my sleep, I turn into a whole different human being, and not a pleasant one. If your spouse has a sleeping disorder or only sleeps 3-4 hours a night, will they respect your need for 8+ hours? That brings me to this point: Are you okay with having a television in the bedroom, or loud music playing in the home any time of the day or night? If not, make this a rule early on. Your home is your sanctuary, and you have to intentionally create an atmosphere you both can thrive in.

6. Money. Will you have joint banking accounts if you get married? Will you pay tithes? If you're Christians, and God calls one of you into ministry, will the other one financially support that call? Will your spouse expect you to pay 50% of the bills even if you make less money than they do? Will your spouse support your desire to be a stay-at-home parent? Will your spouse support your desire to pursue a career path that might not bring in a lot of income or immediate income? For example, one day I really want to be a full-time stay-at-home writer. It might take a couple of years to get a book deal. One day I hope to be with someone who will be willing to support that goal ... if we're financially able ... and live lean until financial breakthrough comes through writing. What percentage of income is your potential spouse willing to donate to a savings/retirement plan each month? What percentage of funding will be spent on vacations and entertainment? These might not seem important now, but if you spouse spends all your retirement savings on concert tickets to follow his favorite band around the country, you're going to work until you drop dead and never enjoy the bliss of a possible retirement. If you're okay with being a Wal Mart greeter at the age of 86, then this isn't an issue. These are the kinds of things to think about.

7. Broke Fun. I've learned my #1 love language is feeling safe and secure in a relationship and home that allows me to be me, and allows me peace and quiet. My #2 is having fun. If we were married and didn't have a lot of money for travel and entertainment, what types of free or low cost things could we do that we would both enjoy together? Are you willing to intentionally plan romantic and fun outings ... simple things, such as picnics and free concerts in the park ... to keep the spark alive? I don't need a wealthy man. I just need someone who makes consistent effort and does the little things to keep things conscientious and special. What kinds of things do you like to do when you don't have a lot of money? My parents, married 53-years, only have three things in common in this life: Their love for God, family and fishing. If these two didn't make it a point to purchase a small bass boat together and fish together, they might not have made it.

8. Travel. Do you like to travel? What type of vacations do you like to take? Are you a mountains person or a beach person? Do you want to have a separate savings account so we can save for a European vacation or a two-week cruise, or do you value saving for a bass boat or new truck more? What types of places do you like to stay? How long do you like to vacation for each year? What type of accommodations are you willing to make for a spouse who may need an extra comfy bed due to back pain? This spouse can't stay at a Motel 6. What if your spouse can't climb stairs due to a bad knee? You'd need to make sure elevators are working prior to the trip, or that you don't plan long hikes. What if your spouse can't lay out in the sun for long periods of time due to their pale skin? For example, if I go to beach, I have to have a room very near or on the beach so I can go into the room after about an hour or two. I will fry like a lobster if I don't have that option. I can never just spend a whole day lying on a beach with my hotel 45-minutes away ... at least not without a tent or large umbrella. What if my spouse is too cheap to rent me an umbrella? Or, too lazy to put up a tent for me? Also, is your spouse one of those people who likes to visit a theme park from sun up to sun down, three days in a row? Or does your spouse need to have a vacation play out with more mornings to sleep in, pool relaxation days and rest scheduled in?

9. Sex. What is your idea of an ideal sex life between a married couple? How do you feel about having sex with children in the room or in the next room? How often do you want to have sex? Do you struggle with performance or orgasms? If so, are you willing to use Viagra, Cialis, vibrators and other sex toys to assist us in both reaching orgasm? What are you willing to do to keep the marriage passionate? What sex practices are you not open to performing? How do you feel about pornography? Do you have any sex fetishes? If you're older, maybe you don't care about sex anymore. If that's the case, you definitely need to have that conversation.

10. Physical needs outside of the bedroom. Will you be willing to rub your partner's feet after a long, hard day? Fix them coffee in the morning when you know they have to get up early? Cook or pick up take-out when they have to work late? Change the kid's diapers in the middle of the night? Wash, dry and put up a load of clothes so they can have time to pursue a hobby or hang out with the girls one afternoon each month? Take out the trash? Who will be in charge of cleaning and yard work? Are you willing to hire a maid/yard person if financially able? For example, I personally am allergic to cleaning products and dust, so I don't do yard work or even sweep porches. I can maintain a tidy home, do the laundry, grocery shop, cook and pay bills, but I have to get someone else to do my deep cleaning, especially in the bathrooms. If I clean my own shower, I break out in hives. Each person has different needs and expectations, so they need to be discussed ahead of time.

11. What is your idea of cheating? There are so very many options here, I have discovered. If an old boyfriend from fifteen years ago texts your wife "happy birthday" on Facebook and she simply replies politely with a, "thank you." Do you consider that cheating? Are you allowed to stay friends with an ex, or do you expect your spouse to cut them, and their families/friends, off completely and forever? What if the mother (you were close to) of an ex dies.....are you allowed to attend her funeral? Do you consider pornography and masturbation cheating? If your ex runs into an old girlfriend at Wal Mart, is he allowed to speak to her and ask how her family is doing, or does he have to turn and walk the other way? I was astonished to learn about some of the things one of my ex thought of as cheating. Good to know up front.

12. Middle-Age and Retirement. Once the kids are grown, how do you envision the next twenty years? How can we financially plan for this outcome? Do you want to travel in retirement, or settle into rocking chairs on the front porch? Do you want to maintain a large home and yard, or live simply in an apartment or RV? Would we scale back to one vehicle, or keep two?

13. Speaking of Vehicles and Hoarding ... Are you the type of person who wants each person in the family to have one reliable vehicle, or do you want an additional three beater cars sitting in the back yard as "backups"? Do you want to pay insurance for one car for each person, or do you want to also have to pay insurance on all those beater cars sitting in the back yard rusting away? Are you a hoarder and messy, or do you throw stuff out and keep things nice and tidy? Are you the type of person who wants to grow your own food and spend your summers filling your many freezers and pantries, or would you rather spend your summers in the pool, buying your cream corn from the local grocer?

14. Aging Parents. Will you help me care for my elderly parents one day, or will you expect me to place them in a nursing home? Will you help me hire nurses for them, or will you resent them in their season of need?

15. Burials. Do you want to be buried or cremated? What if one of our children died? Would you want them buried or cremated? Would you be willing to bury a loved one on family property to save on property taxes, or would you want them in a cemetery?

16. Parties, Socializing and Holidays. How much money do you want to spend on holiday decor and gifts each year? How much money do you want to spend on your children's Christmas and Birthday gifts each year? What are Thanksgivings and Christmas' like in your family? How important is thoughtful gift-giving to you? Will it make you upset if my mother or assistant buys your gifts for you on my behalf? How much importance to you place on holidays and birthday gifts? Does your family have any traditions you do yearly I should know about? How much time would you like to spend, ideally, with other couples? Our parents? Do you prefer it just be us all the time? Are you an introvert or extrovert? How much time are you okay with me spending with my girl friends or guy friends? Do you think we can only be friends with other couples, or do you think it's okay to go out with single friends, too? What places is it okay to hang out with our friends? Are you comfortable with bars, sports stadiums, malls, or what? I was once neck deep in a relationship when I found out my man didn't "allow" me to text before 9:00 am or after 7:00 pm. He said it wasn't appropriate. not even to my family members. Psycho. Psychos everywhere.

Catching feelings is terrifying. It seems like each time I have in the past, I find out the other person has some major, deal-breaking issue one of us can't get past. I encourage you to...

#1 Try to be flexible on the issues that can be compromised on. Only hold your ground on those issues that are absolute deal-breakers for you. I recently watched a video of Sarah Blakely (SPANX founder) and her husband, Jesse Itzler, that was super inspiring. They got married later in life. They haven't tried to change each other, but encourage each other to be themselves. They are each other's greatest cheerleaders and encouragers. Sarah says, and I paraphrase, "Don't try to figure out why your potential spouse or spouse is they way they are. Just love them. Your goal is not to make them like you. Let them be who they are."

#2 Have these conversations early on in the dating process before you allow yourself to fall in love. It will save you a lot of grief down the road if there is some deal-breaking issues you can't work through. It's better to know up front than to go through the hell of a divorce and financial ruin later, dragging innocent children along the way.